This is my last post on this blog. I will start a new blog page pretty soon, but it will be filled with less opinions, thoughts and experiences, and be all about doing and action – my doing and action to regenerate our farm and hopefully teach people that there is a way for us to turn around the destruction of Mother Earth. That’s for another day, I will send a link on a final final post from this blog to the new blog for those who wish to follow.
As I do a final reflection of the time I spent thinking about life and building my own perspective of life, I can say with deep joy that I’m getting comfortable that things I think now are no longer thoughts, but they are a reality for me. So much has changed for me in the last 5 years, and I thank Mother Earth that she has led me back to her through plot living. It has been a life much closer to nature, going back to basics, and really starting to understand what true wealth and happiness is about.
I am no longer attached to having the latest fashion, driving the sporty sexy car, owning the latest gadgets or the newest technology. My cupboard is only a quarter full now compared to what it was 5 years ago, and I am still throwing things out. My list of Christmas and birthday gifts have changed from jewelery and “cool things” to a dining room table, water tanks, solar panels and a mushroom grow room. (And a gun…) When I walk in the shops and see that we as humans have attached so much value to a mobile phone that people are willing to pay R14,000 for it, I think to myself that that is almost the same price as 3 water tanks which equates to life and being able to grow your own vegetables. I can go on and on about how much less money I spend now, and not only because I grow a large part of my own food, but also because I’m shopping wiser and every non-food/toiletry purchase I make goes through a proper evaluation of “do I really need it”, or “is this impulse”.
To close off, I will share what I am grateful for the most, what I have been saddened about the most, and the one regret I carry right now in my life. Let’s start with the good stuff. I’m absolutely grateful that my eyes have opened up to what my absolute passion and joy is in life, the one thing that I would be willing to be burnt at the stake for, and who I truly am deep in my heart. Unfortunately for this to happen I had to get divorced and be released from my ex-husband as our life together was taking me further and further away from who I really am and what I truly wanted in life. This is not what I am the saddest about, as a matter of fact our relationship was a big driver to me getting back on the awakened path which I shut down as a young adult out of fear of being weird.
Unfortunately right at the end of our divorce (still going after legally being divorced 2 1/2 years already) our “amicable” split turned volatile. I had learned a side of my ex-husband that many people say they have always seen, a victim-narcissist that tries his hardest to remove all responsibility from himself by first playing the victim and then playing the blame game, while at the same time expecting that he can live a life in luxury that somebody else has to pay for. Still, this is not what saddened me the most, nor what I regret. What saddens me is that even right till the end of our marriage, when we got divorced, I remained blinded to this side of him. The optimist in me wanted to keep believing that he is a good man, yet in the end this is not the truth. It saddens me that my giving and compassionate heart made me not see this, and that I lived a life with a man that was slowly but surely killing my fire and dragging me along in his dreams while I was being torn further and further from mine. And my mom saw this before we even got married…
Then lastly, my regret I’m carrying right now. I regret that I destroyed a friendship with a man I dearly loved, to rather be in a relationship with my ex-husband. I regret that at that point in my life I was strung along by his stories that he can look after me financially and that he was a successful project manager with a successful career and that he has the fast fancy car etc. I regret that I destroyed a friendship where I could just be me, follow my dreams and have all the support in the world to live those dreams.
Having said all of this, I also realise that such is life. Our ego plays these games with us which gets fed by marketing campaigns and in today’s world it is even harder than ever to stay true to your path, especially when your ego is still over shadowing your spirit. My wish for every person out there is that you may find your path. My advice for every person out there is that you discover your spirit first, because then it is easier to find your path.