The word enemies is pretty strong, I don’t really know if I have any true enemies, but I can think of at least two people who possibly would fit into that category. Those who know me will know that I have way too much love in my heart to have many of these, but I had a thought about Cassidy’s school psychologist and thought that I would explore this title a little more.
Until recently I coddled relationships in the aim of keeping my friends. I would soften harsh words and talk around them in an attempt to not hurt people or damage the relationship. Even when an argument or confrontation came up, I would always try to make things better. I am still not brilliant at being direct, and it usually gives me heart palpitations when I am. But I have decided to be more open and honest to people, and when I say something that angers another person, instead of making things better, I let them be. It takes a lot of work for me to distinguish whether their anger was truly because I am completely off the plot, or whether it is because the situation triggered something for them. In the majority of cases I have learned that if I leave them to deal with their own anger, at some point the person comes back to tell me that I did make a valid point. Fancy that, sometimes I am right! Now don’t get me wrong, the number of confrontational incidents I’ve had I can count on one hand, so it’s not that these are frequent occurrences in my life. Instead of always going “what can I do to prevent that from happening again”, I now allow it to happen and the results are surprising.
Here is why it surprises me. All my relationships I’ve had bar the couple I can count on one hand have been pretty shallow. Probably a lot deeper than most people experience, because giving my all to a relationship is what I do, but shallow in that they haven’t been serving me the way they truly can. This is because I have never allowed myself to be 100% open in a relationship because I always try protect it and make it last. For my few exceptionally close friends and companion, you are excluded from this sentence, because somehow you got in through all my titanium walls. Now that I am more open, and learning to become more honest, I am finding that friendships are becoming deeper, conversations are becoming more significant, and bonds are becoming much more valuable. Interesting observation, it is not that I had much more close friends while coddling them than I do now.
As the Yin and Yang goes though, I am also finding the opposite to be true. Usually friendships just dwindle down for me until trying to stay in touch becomes a mission. But now I am physically losing friends. People who I thought would go to the end of the earth and back for me and with me, just suddenly disappear. And not gently, rather as if a bomb of Hiroshima landed on the friendship playing field and instantly evaporated it. I am not only finding this with friends, but also people who played large roles in my life – Cassidy’s school psychologist, one of the members in my team who has now left. As I said earlier, we get angry because people push our buttons. But these people have made me SO angry that I can really not see through the debris to learn what they were put on my path to do. My stepmother is another one of these people, but that bomb happened many years ago and for the first time in my life I’m actually starting to consider whether I shouldn’t at least try and relook some of the damaged pieces. This is why I have labeled these people loosely as enemies. My anger to some of them is so strong that I actually some days think I would be able to do physical or even emotional harm to them if they appeared in line of fire.
If anger is a button for us, I expect to be able to see the lesson, I’m pretty good at seeing lessons in relationships. But these ones are exceptionally hard. Is it because I have a right to be angry at them? Probably not. Am I right that there is no lesson just because I can’t see it? Definitely not. I would have loved to finish this post with an aha moment and spread my words of wisdom for people to make their own. Sadly, I don’t, other than this.
Maybe some buttons are rooted so deeply into our souls and hearts that years of healing need to happen before we can even think of chipping away at it. Maybe that is why it has taken almost 10 years for me to think that I might be ready to look at the lesson I need to learn from my stepmom’s button in me.
Does it make this enemy feeling go away? No it doesn’t, so for now I’ll go with it, and on the days I feel like dropping bombs I will ask for all the support I can find…