With the wounds of losing our daughter still fresh in our hearts, I can already see the lessons we have learned from having her in our life and her departure. We both believe that we create all events in our life, and there are a couple of things that we did that could have pushed her out of our lives. Leon and I have made a number of big adjustments in our life, the biggest being giving up some of our exercise time. Even while we still tried to keep the number of hours of training high, the time we spent training together reduced drastically. We both miss this and have been wishing this time back, now we can get it back. We have been thinking of cutting our expenses for the time Leon worked on building his own business, now we have less expenses. We are spending more time on doing work outside of our normal job, which means we spend time seeing people, and we need to juggle time with her and business – maybe we subconsciously asked for a breather so we can make some money first. All through Cassidy’s life she has been losing people, which means her programming is that of pushing people away. Maybe it is nothing we manifested, but her manifesting this event. Our outlook on life is a lot different to Cassidy’s, and it took work from us to maintain our positive opportunistic view of life, while supporting her sometimes destructive view of life and gently showing her their is a different way of looking at life. Maybe our views are so far apart that we squeezed her out of our lives, to protect our views of life. I have been thinking for a while that with the tools I have acquired to navigate my life, I will be much better at coping with rejection, heart-ache and pain than I had been. Maybe this is what I have been asking for, and now I have the opportunity to apply these tools and learn. The fact is we can think of lots of small or big things that accumulated into us pushing her away, or her pushing us away. Could we have changed it and done it differently? I don’t know. But we attracted her into our lives for a reason, and I can see very clearly why. Would I have decided differently if I knew this would happen? Not at all.
Everyone that we told about taking Cassidy into our lives told us that she will gain so much from us and the universe will return what we’re doing ten fold. I never thought of getting anything back from the universe, and yes I thought of giving her a life that is better (or not) than what she has had till now, but my primary reason was that I believed I would miss out on something if I never had children and I saw this as an opportunity to learn. My reason was selfish. And boy did she teach me lots! I am a different person today, completely different. I have learned that sometimes being willing to give up my point of view and, as hard as it feels at the time, do what I believe is compromising my values, and see what may happen, could enlighten me in ways I never thought of. Sometimes you find a whole new world of peace and opportunities, sometimes you’ll find that your value is worth having and take it on again. I have learned to not be scared to sing, dance, play, smile, bob, stumble, pull faces or just be fun in public. She has shown me that spontaneity doesn’t make you embarrassing. She taught me to dance at home, whenever there is a good song on, dance! I have learned that if someone is in a bad mood or has PMS, it is not my responsibility to cheer them up and I should stop faffing around them. I have learned that having an argument with someone doesn’t end the relationship, in fact they wouldn’t argue with you if they didn’t love you. The biggest lesson I have learned is that cycling doesn’t make me who I am. Yes it is a part of my personality, but not being the best and not winning the race doesn’t make me less. Maybe Cassidy was a catalyst in our lives to show us that giving up a part of our current habits opens the door to a whole bunch of new opportunities. She has shown me how much I can serve people, and that when I serve, that is where I learn the most and grow the most.
More importantly, I believe that with her in our lives, Leon and I had to work so much harder to maintain our bond that it is now ten fold stronger. And through this “break-up” we have learned how to support each other through the rough waters. I have the most loving, supportive, passionate husband alive. And now even more than ever I believe that together we can conquer the world. We can make a difference to 10 times more, heck 10000 more people’s lives.
Another humongous thing I have realised, and a big thank you goes out to Jo for making me aware of this, is my ability to love. I don’t do anything half-heartedly. Work, my sport, my writing. But most importantly, the way I love. I give everything when I invest in a relationship, my whole heart. And this is what I did, again. I read something in The Prophet last night. How deeply we love is tightly correlated to how deeply we hurt. Do I risk everything and the potential to get hurt by pouring so much love into people? Yes I do. And as deeply as I am hurting now, the joy I have experienced because of it goes even deeper. I have seen an amazing person unfold in front of my eyes with an angelic voice, and if the only joy I had was to be proud of hearing such a powerful voice coming out of such a tiny person, that would have been enough. But it is not the only joy I had, there was much more!
To the people out there saying we can now go back to our old lives, there is no going back, we have changed and going backward would be a slap in the universe’s face for showing us a whole bunch of new opportunities and being much richer people than we were before.
I thank Cassidy for coming into my life and showing me a different way.