I had big plans to write a blog last weekend about experiencing life, but time ran ahead of me and I would have done it this weekend. As the ups go, after this weekend I’m at an absolute low, again. But this one is different. I woke up this morning asking myself ‘What is the point?’. It took all my strength to drag myself out of bed this morning. I can’t see what value I’m creating for me, or other people, or the economy at the moment.
I could blog about all the reasons I feel pointless and aimless right now, but I don’t blog to get sympathy, I blog to learn from my life lessons. So what is the lesson? My biggest struggle is that I don’t know which direction to go next. I don’t want to be mediocre, because I believe that I am more awesome than that. The problem is that I don’t know what I need in my life to feel awesome either. So I know what I don’t want, but I also don’t know what I want. Not a good place to be.
I thought to myself this morning that I should read up about Buddhism, and more about the Tao, and that I think I’d like to try Thai Chi. One of the things on my to do list is also to research the life of Mother Theresa. At the same time John suggested that what he thinks I’m missing is the spiritual connection in my journey. I wouldn’t be thinking about these things if he were wrong. I believe in something bigger than me, I call it the Universe. I believe we are all interlinked, and that what I ask for I’ll receive, and what I do has ripple effects on other people and events. That is where it ends for me.
I have been avoiding the spiritual connection because I’m scared what people might think and expect from me. I’m not a good debater, I fumble over my words when I have to explain my views and opinions. So instead of believing in something and standing up for it when I believe someone is disrespectful to what I believe, or wants to have a healthy debate about it, it is easier to just flog it.
I am exceptionally good at getting my body to achieve things that the majority of the population won’t even consider trying. I’m very good (at the moment) at looking after my diet and health. So the physical part of my life is very well developed. Mentally I’m smart, can solve problems, put actions in place, find solutions, research stuff, I can figure things out. Emotionally I’m getting there, learning, and have been crying many tears, laughing many laughs, and I’m actually starting to see why many things in me have been bottling for years. Spiritually, not so much.
The lesson I’m learning, and in hindsight that I’ve known all along, is that many of the things I battle to achieve is because I’m lacking the spiritual connection. I have always thought that the day I achieve what I currently believe is impossible in my sporting career will also be the day I make my biggest spiritual connection. This will probably be applicable to many more things in my life.
Right now it is time to dust off that thought, and make something of it. Will I have the answer at my next blog, most definitely not, this is a long journey. But it does mean I have a lot more blogging to do!