I am [probably] fortunate that my rock bottom doesn’t even come close to halfway down the bottom of the barrel. And in that sense I always make my lows much smaller, because I have people very close to me who are going through a lot worse, and who are not only scraping at the bottom of the barrel, but almost right through it. But by making my lows small, I am making them insignificant. The reality is that they are very real to me, and to learn from them I need to make them significant.
I hit my rock bottom this week. I have been beating myself to a pulp for not having self-discipline in my eating habits and not sticking to my training routine, not being able to help my daughter see her beauty, and more, which subsequently means I see myself as a very ugly person. Not surprisingly, I woke up on Tue with flu, sore body, stuffy head, feeling like crap.
My biggest realisation on Tue was that I’m locking my heart up in a casket, not allowing it the opportunity to love me and subsequently to be me. My ups and downs happen in cycles, and I get to this point every single time. On Tue I finally came to the aha moment where I could ask myself if I like feeling this way, and if it serves me in any way. I don’t like it, in fact, and I know this is a strong emotion, but I do truly hate feeling this way. It makes me miserable, it pushes me away from being the true me, and it is not the truth. Everyone around me have been telling me that I’m too hard on myself. I’m starting to get it – I have always believed that being hard on one’s self is normal. But it’s not, it is only my normal and my reality. I don’t need a Hitler, I am my own Hitler! To all my friends who have repeatedly told me that, thank you for keeping at it, and I’m starting to get it. I would name the people, but I think probably every one in my life has said this at some point or another.
I know the solution is simple – the two step fix – stop it. The facts are if I was able to just stop it, I would. So instead of trying to think of how to stop doing what I do, I have decided to replace it with new actions. To replace the current beliefs I have of myself, I need to create new beliefs (truths) of myself. I have decided to commit to writing 3 things I like about myself every day. I went through our book case to look for a book that has daily activities you can do to get closer to yourself – and found Chicken Soup for the Soul. I read a story every night, and based on the story I ask myself a question about me that makes me think of my worth and value, and give three answers. My first two questions were:
- What do I love about me?
- If I were my parents, what would I be proud of in me?
I have already found some treasures in me, and interestingly enough, none of my answers to above questions were about the external me. They were about my soul, my approach to my relationships, my values. What this tells me is that maybe the external me is not all there is to me, as a matter of fact, that it is just the tip of the iceberg. What makes me awesome is what I do, in my career, in my sport, in my life, the way I set big goals and take them head on, the way I value relationships and people in my life, and leave with them a part of me. What makes me awesome is that I have this potential to love, I am moved by people’s successes, joys, experiences, tears. What makes me awesome is that I am willing to improve me and defy the boundaries and limits people put on me. I’m starting to get that, and I want to grow that list over the next 101 days (that’s how many chicken soup stories there are), so that the next time I pick up my whip I can also open my list and ask if the whip is truly necessary.
I initially thought to post my daily question and answers. I’m pretty good at admin, but that seems like more admin than I’m willing to be good at. If you’re keen to follow this journey with me – send me a message and let’s see how we can share it!
For the second time since Harlequin I’m very excited to see what’s lying ahead of me!