May and June haven’t been great months for me when it comes to inspiration, epiphanies, growth and my journey. After my post on loosing momentum, I got an ass-whipping from more than just one person. Since that post I’ve had a lot of time off, time to write and meditate and also train, which is good thinking time. First week off I had some good epiphanies, but this week I’m struggling to apply them to my life.
When I reflect on these two months, not much comes to mind. I get that we cannot keep a momentum of 200 km/h on our life journey, because we’ll burn out on the way there. I was asked a valid question – how would I feel if this ‘momentum’ is present in my life. I’m starting to think that it is not the momentum bothering me, or my life improving, or things becoming easier to manage, or simpler to understand. I think it is that I’m still feeling a disconnect to me. I’m not quite in touch with my intuition, or my emotions, or who the real Maria is. I had it for a short while, and I felt empowered and had a clarity that I haven’t had for a long time. That intuition, that sense of clarity is elusive to me right now. Maybe I’m trying too hard to get it back?
I think I have improved a teeny little bit on my relationships. Having said that I have also identified what I’m lacking in friendships. I am very good at asking for support from my male friends and husband. Well, I still don’t ask enough or always feel the freedom to ask, but I have started asking. I am not that good at female relationships though. I have no idea why, but it has been this way since I can remember. I have a number of female friends’ numbers on my phone, at least 3 of them following their journeys with the same awareness I have. But I am always reluctant to phone them. The other big thing bothering me is that it feels like whenever I’m phoning or talking to one of my ‘support people’, I am forever needing sympathy and saving. I know this is not true, and that they support me out of love for me. But I still feel like I’m sucking blood from them and not giving anything back. Will I support one of them if they need it – without a doubt. But can I support them with the little knowledge and practice I have had – it doesn’t feel that way… In any case, I’m looking for female friendship where I can pick up the phone and we just chat about the mundane things – what happened this week, who said what, how I am, the small things.
Having said that, my mom and I have finally laid our hearts bare to each other and we both realised that we miss the friendship we had. The ability to phone each other and just bitch about a bad day, keeping up with each other of what is happening in each other’s lives, just being there for each other. We’ll rekindle this again, and this alone was a huge win for me.
So I had a couple of small successes in the past couple of weeks, but I do feel a little bit insignificant at the moment.
I’m expecting another ass-whipping after above statement, as I already had a chat with Teresa yesterday about how much of an impact my absence at work has. And how other people see my strength in everything I do. Thank you, and I reckon I have some more reflecting to do!