Losing Momentum

After Harlequin and 3 weeks of other training, my awareness of my life was off the charts, and it seemed as though I was on the autobahn of my life journey. Right now it feels as though I’m losing steam pretty fast and hobbling back onto my old path of very little to no growth. All the issues I had with food are creeping up on me again. I seem to be losing the ability to feel in control of my eating habits as well. These things were completely in control after Harlequin. My body issues which seemed to be disappearing are also re-appearing, I’m losing my skinny again. I even stopped pulling the skin off my fingers around the nail beds after Harlequin, but that habit returned more than a month ago already.

I have done many personal journey courses, and read lots of books, although not as much as I would like to. It always seems to go this way – fired up and blasing ahead with all guns, until I run out of bullers. Except Harlequin gave me a much bigger push to change my life than anything else I’ve done before, a much better awareness, and a support structure. Well the support structure was there long before Harlequin, it’s only now that I’m actually reaching out to it.

I find myself at this cross-road where I’m feeling as though I’m stagnating, and my growth is a mere thought getting lost in between everything else that consumes my life. I can choose to be thankful for the bit I have gained, and now continue with little drops of growth that only happens occasionally when mother Nature shoves it onto me in some disaster or mental breakdown, or I can do something about it and take ownership of re-igniting the flame.

I’ll start by taking index of what the things were that got me and kept me on the autobahn:

  • Harlequin
  • Quiet Leadership course
  • Waking up early on the mornings when I don’t train to meditate, read, write
  • Writing some evenings
  • Planning every week what I want to achieve in my life and what actions I need to do

Next I’ll evaluate:
Harlequin and Quiet Leadership were courses. I have Chalice in September and The Awakening in October, but they’re both still quite a while away. Leon’s doing Harlequin this week, I’m looking forward to our discussions, if he allows me into those sensitive pockets of his life. I am also on the list to support Harlequin in August. All of this is awesome, but I cannot keep my awareness awake by jumping from one course to the next. I would like to be able to maintain my momentum by just living, being aware every day, and learning every day. Having said that, maybe right now I need courses, and in time I will need less of them. I will wait this week for Leon to finish, and then take it from there…

Waking up early to do my stuff. Let me just clarify, early for me is 7 hours from the time I go to bed. This can be anywhere between 3:45 to 5:30 in the morning. I use 15 minutes to meditate, and then I decide what next to do – write, read, sometimes even take a bath so I can catch up on my beauty routine. Two things are happening though – firstly I’m in full gear with my training (exercise) again, which is awesome, but means I wake up early to train. Secondly, the one morning a week I don’t train I haven’t been able to drag myself out of my warm bed. I can do one of two things – try harder, or do something different. To try harder I need to have that something that drives me to try harder – one would think personal growth is enough, but it obviously isn’t. I woke up early this morning, maybe this stagnating feeling is helping to ‘try harder’, but I doubt it will last. My other option is to do these things at a different time in the day, also attempted with no luck. Doing my stuff in the evening never works, after I get home I give all my attention to my family. What I have decided to do is choose one day a month, the 5th (my birth day), and allocate it to me. It does mean I have to set very clear expectations of this day not only to people in my life, but also to me. The other thing I’m thinking of is to block out an hour at work a day, on the mornings I don’t wake up early for my stuff, to do my stuff.

In my mind if I can make the time to spend on my growth, it will cover at least 3 of the 5 points above. If I can read often enough I will probably also be motivated and more focus. My thing is action – doing stuff, writing, reading. If I need to grow a relationship, I write about it and then if needed talk about it to someone, and then eventually to the person. Even talking is action to me. Actually, that’s it! I should have more conversations…(and this is why I blog).

My plan of action – one day a month is me-time day, and I’m organising more coffees with people I can talk to these things. Having said that, I need more people in my life to have these conversations with. And having said that, I need to ask more as well…a topic for another post…

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2 thoughts on “Losing Momentum

  1. In people there are growths cycles as there is in nature.
    Spring (Growth, Live, New life)
    Summer (Maturity, Heat, Holiday)
    Autumn (Change, Warning of times to come, Gathering)
    Winter (Hibernation, Rest, New strength)
    As in nature we need to go thru the same cycles. We cannot always grow, we cannot always be at hour best.

    Sometimes we need to just lie in bed on that one day a week where we planned to do something else.

    Growth is not always about moving forward or reaching hour goals. True growth is a process of learning, practising, falling, giving up, trying again and then one day, we achieve growth.

    1. Thank you Okker. I love how you always show the Yin in my Yang! Interesting how my ‘stagnation’ is also in winter. I have been thinking yesterday that it seems I can either focus on my training, or my personal journey, but not both. I have taken leave for a while, so now that there is no work, I have time for both. Maybe it is a case of switching the balance all the time…and that is where I need to grow! šŸ™‚

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