It’s taken me the whole weekend to decide what I will write about. At some point I even thought that I’ll skip this week’s blog. But a lesson I’ve learnt from my sport is that when things are at its hardest, is when you reap the most rewards. So I’m writing about what I call my match stick lesson. It is based on a game that taught me more of myself than I ever thought I could learn.
Firstly it taught me that I’m so set in my own beliefs and ways that I don’t even consider alternative ways the universe try to show me. Secondly it taught me that because of this, and a belief that people aren’t interested in my meager life, I’ve been shunting off any support handed to me.
This week was a hard week for me. Almost every day I bumped into my match stick lesson. I’m approaching my team differently and in so doing I’m seeing things that individuals do that is driving me up the wall. It’s habits that hamper efficiency and put limits on people. I know that the first place to look is inside myself, because it is my button that is being pressed due to my own beliefs. My reaction was and still is (a bit less though) that it is not me, but the other person. Even once I acknowledge that I need to change, I battle to understand what it is I need to do.
Thursday Cass’ glee teacher finished glee early, which meant I couldn’t go swimming. I have restructured how and when I train, but when things like this happen it messes with my training. Friday my resting heart rate was high, which usually means you are getting sick or training too hard. I’ve been fighting off a chest nigly since last weekend, but the more I fight the longer it stays. When I admit to it I get even more sick. In my head I should be able to identify what the link to my sickness and emotional issues are, but I struggle with this too. And being sick or changes in schedules mean I cannot train and get stronger, and I’m loosing fitness.
I’m also trying very hard to support Cass with her new decision to be a vegan. I found a place that packs lunches which I buy so that she can eat sufficient food with the right balance of nutrients to keep her healthy and strong. She leaves it at home and complains about the stuff she doesn’t know – all new types of protein to replace meat. I feel as though I try so hard to help her health and she doesn’t want my support. I asked if I should order her food again, she said no. I know she has to eat lunch and I also know that she can be very lazy on some days and won’t always make proper lunch (futurelife, lunch of champions?). I also know that I have to tolerate the hunger werewolf when it awakens.
In all of these situations, the things that are hard for me are my buttons, things that bother me, things where I cannot other people. I need to change me. The first thing I do is think that I was wrong and have no idea what I’m doing. Then I retrace my steps to analyse what I have done and where I have taken a wrong turn. This is exactly my match stick game. Instead of stopping where I am, and looking at different options in all the directions in front of me, I turn around and walk back in my own steps. Obviously when I turn around to move forwards again, the only thing I’ll see is the previous path I walked. And because it is distracting my focus off anything else, obviously I will walk the same path again. If I can just stop and keep looking forward, and listen to my heart, maybe I will be able to take a step forward in a different direction. Will it be the right step? I don’t know – but if I can let go of right or wrong, and just do something, I’ll get a different result. Then I can see if the new result is what I wanted. If not, keep looking forward and change course again.
I’m so stuck on being right and that being wrong is a terrible thing, that I stay stuck in my rut, my hole, my pit. And this is exactly what my match stick lesson is trying to teach me.
I’m slowly but surely starting to get this lesson, but that is my other problem. I like things to happen fast, and usually I act without thinking. Now I need to pause (and assess where I am and where I want to be), touch (get in contact with my heart, my soul, my universe), and only then engage (do something). And in all of this, I need to look back only to reflect, not to begrudge myself.