Reflecting on April

I realised that I haven’t done a reflection post for April yet, so here it is. April has been a kick ass month for me, so many things have shifted in my life it is amazing! It was a month filled with training and learning.

It started with Harlequin – know thyself. Do I know myself now? Not even close, but I do know that there is a lot about me I don’t know. I also know that I am absolutely amazing and have a heart bigger than the sun – now I just need to learn how to receive love into it so I can give even more. Shortly after that I went on agile training – for the non-techies – a methodology of implementing software little pieces at a time and letting it evolve to full functionality as users start using it. More a technical course, but what striked me the most about it was how important communication is and how bad assumptions are. Then I went on a Quiet Leadership course where they teach you how to grow your team through coaching principles. My husband did his life coaching diploma through the same people – brilliant. Now I’m finishing my management diploma exams and the last subject today is about leadership – gets me all excited.

Harlequin was an eye opener for me – I know the theories of how to live an aware life, but I have never truly applied it. It taught me how to look at every situation in my life and assess it, evaluate the results, and whether I want to change it or am happy with it. I have cried more in the last month than I have in the two years before that, but every time I learn and grow from it. My eyes have opened up to how many people are actually out there reaching to me to provide support, and how my fear of vulnerability has shunned them away. I am talking to other people about me and my emotional struggles. Yes I blog, but it’s one directional. Talking face to face about things in life that show people that actually I some days fumble in the dark is a lot harder, exposes you more. But at the same time this new vulnerability has given me so much power. I have always said I don’t know what people think of me. By talking about my fears, they are now telling me about my strengths, things I do and am that I always thought nobody notices.

My biggest question though was how I can now give the power back to my team. Agile, Quiet Leadership and my exams basically spelled it out for me, letter by letter. In hindsight they have always been there, but I want to wake up one morning and my team is a self-managing team. Ain’t gonna work that way – just like I’m not going to wake up tomorrow morning and know myself. How long will it take – I don’t know, and honestly I don’t care. I’m enjoying the process and for me that is what is important. From now on every day I will be better than yesterday, and by giving power back to my team every day they will be better. Are we broken? Not at all, we just are, and we grow.

The only disadvantage of this new awareness is that I’ve gone from almost never thinking to now thinking way too much. Am I worried, no, frustrated some days yes, not worried. The balance will come, as everything comes when we are ready for it!

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