Looking back at March it has been pretty much shocking in terms of my mindset, but I have also realised a number of positives, which actually had me grinning from ear to ear on the way home (ok, I also grinned this morning ‘cos I kicked a guy’s ass on the motorbike!). I have progressively moved down into the dumps from the start of the month, and even though there are glimmers of sun rays, I can’t seem to climb out from under the ashes. I’m sure it won’t last forever, but I’m pretty gloomy to hang around with at the moment, and I can see some of the people around me are starting to take strain because of it – to them I apologise.
I am constantly bumping into walls – I’m not motivated to train, but if I don’t train I hate myself. I don’t think my team at work is heading in the right direction fast enough, and I don’t know how to lead them to get us there. I’m not eating well, not feeling happy in my own skin, but it’s also not helping me to improve my eating habits. At home we’re adapting, and I need to learn with coping when our daughter has boyfriend problems without me forcefully kicking his ass and giving her the space to figure things out herself. I would usually just give myself a kick up the ass to stop wallowing in self-pity and get over myself, but I can’t even get myself so far, plus I don’t know if I’m giving myself the opportunity to deal with my emotions and things I’m resisting by just ‘getting over myself’. I don’t have the answers today, but it will come.
I only realised the epiphanies this weekend – lots of hours on the bicycle in beautiful surroundings are to be thanked for this. I have been opening up more to giving support to friends, and for the first time have also been talking about my emotions to friends. I have realised that I am more open to receive support, but I am still picky about who I open up to. Not because I don’t trust certain people, because I’m embarrassed to share my life with people. Why? Maybe because I fear looking weak, but I think more because it makes me feel vulnerable. Writing is easy, I have a reader base that read it, many people I know – but I don’t have to look them in the eye while sharing it. Now that I think about it, I don’t know how to receive love and support on an emotional level.
I have also realised that people don’t even have to be close to you to support you. People I know respond to my blogs, and my first response is surprise, since it would often be comments from people I never expected. All comments I’ve had to date are extremely supportive, and people pointing out positive things in me I don’t see in myself. It is as if I have jumped, and literally the net seems to appear!
I also realised that I have never really looked myself in the mirror to know what I am capable of and what I am. Not only physically, because that is also a problem, but also on an emotional, mental and spiritual level. I am always in auto-pilot, trying to be more, achieve more, chasing the next goal, pushing myself, pushing others, supporting others, helping others (that I also need to change), working harder, trying to be more efficient, planning, training – but I never really stop for 5 minutes to look at what I’ve done and saying – I have done that, I am that smart, I made a good choice or I have grown. I’m extremely hard on myself, and my mom taught me that. I don’t hate her for it, as a matter of fact I still thank her for it. But in the process I’m not being grateful to me, which then reflects on how grateful I am to others.
I need to remind myself to affirm people, to thank people, to praise people. Not because I don’t see it, I do. I think if I lived thankfully for me, it would also come easier to thank others.
So I end off my reflection by saying thank you to every person that has ever crossed my life, is in my life now or will still come into my life. If I cut you off it is because I am not in touch with me, and probably was too scared that you were getting too close. Thank you for being a part of my life, and being instrumental in where I am today and where I will be tomorrow.