Very aptly I got a quote in my inbox this week – “You are unrepeatable. There is a magic about you that is all your own…” – D.M. Dellinger. I have many people in my life at the moment trying to help me see the value in me – Leon, John, Nadia, Steve. I find it virtually impossible to do this though.
I’ll explain by giving an overview of where I’m at in my earth school lesson. I’m not in a good space, it can probably be called a very light depression. Usually there are one or two things in my life that are a bit tough, but everything else is good, so I can deal with these. Right now, almost everything in my life feels like effort – being motivated to train, being able to eat well, sleeping well, work, finding time to read, write, sleep, relax. Off the top of my head the only thing that is going well are my closest relationships. Which I’m extremely thankful for; I don’t know how I would have coped without them. This space doesn’t happen to me often, I can probably count it on one hand.
Usually I would get to a point where I would tell myself to get over myself and just decide to be positive and deal with it. This time something is holding me back. I believe it is a combination of the fact that I’m now opening up to emotions and this is a new playground for me, but also that I need to learn something by doing something different – my problem is that I don’t know what that is.
John has been asking me for almost a year now to go do Harlequin and Chalice (read about it at http://www.foundationsa.co.za). I’ve been resisting for various reasons – don’t like the dude giving it, he has some funny ideas about birth I don’t necessarily agree with, and I see things in other people who has done the course that I also don’t always agree with. Again he asked me last week and said exactly what I have been thinking – do something different. He wants me to see the value in me and spend this course on me. I thought about why I would go, and decided to go. Sadly though, I’m not yet going for me, but because I think it may help me get in touch with a better me that can support my family better, and be a better leader for my team. If I can open up enough to at least cry my heart out, I’ll be happy.
The whole Easter weekend I’ve been trying to figure out my value. With Leon’s assistance, I could only come up with one thing – I’m a good cyclist. Although I do say this tongue in cheek because I’m not the best, but I can mix it up with the best on a good day. Other than that, I always see my value in terms of other people. I am leading a team who deliver on time, but I don’t believe my contribution counts for more than 10%, without them I wouldn’t be able to deliver anything. I am in a wonderful relationship with the most loving and supportive husband anyone could ever ask for. I am blessed with friends who accept me for me and support me in my ups and downs.
What do I bring to any of these? I don’t know. The only thing I do know is that these people are in my life because of me. In the same breathe, I have always wished to have many more friends and be much more popular, and therefore somewhere in my heart I also still believe that who I am is not enough. Will I find my worth this week while doing Harlequin? For some reason I doubt it, but I do think it will open some doors that I’m not seeing.