Adventure and fun activities are my thing. Doing stuff. So that sentence – do one thing a day that scares you – meant rock climbing, mountain biking, adventure racing, heights, caves, ropes, any event that could break a limb or two. For the first time this week, this short phrase’s meaning completely changed for me.
I have always been able to face the big things in life that scare me. But I don’t think these big things ever helped me conquer those fears – my biggest one being a fear of falling. Physically. Until recently, I realised that actually I’m scared of falling emotionally. I have ‘small’ things I fear. Things I look at since a young age and would think it is silly. Like showing that I’m unsure about an answer, that I don’t know what to do, that my heart could break. I now realise that these are things that scare me, and they are actually a lot bigger than I thought.
I no longer need a mountain or dirt road to do something every day that scares me. I can walk into the office some mornings, and the first scary thing stares me slap bang in the face. Like yesterday morning – I walked into the office and saw Bina, our departmental boss, and Isabelle, a new portfolio manager walk in the office. My heart skipped a beat – I was in that withdrawn space where I didn’t want to talk about my personal space and how my day was. Our relationship is of such a nature that we greet each other and share these words of friendship. But I was scared at that point, and I avoided too much chit chat.
I have many of these fears – crying in front of people, learning something new that may cause that people laugh at me, dressing nicely and fearing all the guys will oogle me. I’m even scared of compliments and flattery, I’m scared to acknowledge that I’m a top cyclist, I’m scared of hurting people. My list has instantly grow from one fear – falling, to trillions!
Is this scaring me – not at all! It now finally means I can really do one thing every day that scares me!