Reflecting on February

At the start of this month I thought that my journey had come to a screeching halt. Even now at the end of Feb I’m still only getting glimmers of emotions. But looking back at Feb, it was a hard month where I grew a lot.

I haven’t been connecting with my inner soul as frequently as I would have liked to, mostly because my workload tripled in two days and additional responsibilities at home. But after first being overwhelmed by all of this and loosing my cool completely, I realised that this is the opportune time to understand why I feel overwhelmed in times like this. I always thought that getting better at ‘things’, whether it is emotions, mind, time management, planning or anything else, would mean that my life will never have any hectic periods. Fact of the matter is that I have chosen hectic for my life, it is evident throughout everything I’ve done to date and still do. So the change for me is not removal of hectic, but rather learning to cope with hectic. I don’t yet know why I feel so overwhelmed. This week has been no less hectic, but I’m able to navigate through it calmly, mostly by prioritising. And by changing my 6×5 mins reflection a day to 10 seconds where I can. When things quiet down I’ll reflect more, but for now this is ok.

My other goal this year is to invest in my people. There is one specific person that awakens lots of fearful emotions in me. I spent a lot of time this month understanding these emotions, and they are feelings of not being appreciated, of helplessness, and failure. Most of these are because no matter how hard I try I feel that I cannot seem to help this person to collaborate with others and I feel this person has a sense of entitlement. Entitlement that I don’t believe the person has earned. There is a thin line between failing to help someone, and to realising there isn’t more I can do for a person. I don’t think you can ever define this line, but I realised that it is the end of our road in this journey. It doesn’t mean I’m giving up on the person, but I won’t commit as much time to someone not ready to grow. How do I know I’m not quitting/failing and that it is all I can do? Thinking about it now, because I am comfortable with my decision and have a clear conscious about it.

I have also grown to understand that conflict is not the end of a relationship. Maybe sometimes it is, but I guess then you consciously decide it. But in the relationships that are worth while, it is an opportunity to evolve and grow the relationship. Just this one realisation for me has enabled me to express my feelings honestly. I am also more honest when I give feedback to people, and I think about what I feel before I talk. I am not yet as far as doing this all the time, but with the important relationships I do remember. It is such a freeing feeling, being true to myself and others, having integrity!

Food issues, still there. Body issues, still there. But I look back at this month, and I can smile. It has been a hard but rewarding month. Bring on March, my birth month!

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