It has been two weeks since my last post, and it has bothered me a lot. Not because I am disappointing my followers and readers (but sorry if I have), but because I really enjoy writing. It gives me clarity in my thoughts and helps me understand things better. The reason for this long dry spell is that we have adopted a teenage daughter into our lives. I knew it would impact our lives and routine, but as we always do, I didn’t realise how much it would impact us. But I love having her and she is already crawling into our lives and hearts.
The past two weeks have highlighted even more my experiences of ‘good’ and ‘bad’. It is very easy to say that events shouldn’t be seen as good or bad when things are going well. When the road is a bit bumpy though, this thought goes forgotten, instantly. I am very good at telling people to see events as exactly just that, life happening. Generally I can see events as life happening in my own life, but sometimes I get overwhelmed and then I react base on underlying subconscious fears I have adopted throughout my life.
So what I have realised about my response to “bad” or “difficult” events, is that I actually run away from them and will go to great lengths to avoid them. The first step was realising this. The second step, to stop myself from running away, was that I needed to understand why. I have up to now perceived difficult situations in my life as the end of something, be it a relationship, a journey, a job, a sport. Up to now I have always avoided fights and when I am really upset about something where another person is involved, I try to find a nice way to discuss the topic in fear that the relationship will end. This is something I remember doing as a teenager. My dad wanted me to talk to him about things that were bothering me, and even told me that if I don’t talk about it, it will change into baggage that I don’t want to carry. My response to him was that it is my baggage and that I will carry it for as long as I want.
I think that I now no longer want to carry this baggage, and I also now think my dad was right, almost 20 years later! What I have learnt in the past couple of months, thanks to both my husband and John, is that actually making people aware of how I feel about a situation, gives us an opportunity to grow our relationship by working through the difficulties. It gives us an opportunity to understand each other better and learn more about each person’s perception of an event. I have also robbed both myself and the other person from growing but not telling them the truth and trying to protect them. I have robbed the other person from the opportunity to grow. At the same time, I have denied myself the right to express myself for who I am and what I feel, and to be angry, annoyed, hurt, frustrated.
The last two weeks summarise the other “bad” events in my. Our normal routine has been thrown head over heels, work has been endlessly busy, with me not getting to any of my admin or even important items, and I have not been able to get to my 5 minute breaks during the day where I become aware of myself and my thoughts and emotions. I have also not been reading much, neither have I been sleeping much, and my eating patterns are much to be desired at the moments. I perceive these events as “bad”, as opposed to just realising that they are creating undesirable feelings in my life. But my kinesiologist Debra made a good point last week. This is how life works, some weeks there is more than enough time to work on our inner selves, other weeks there is barely any time. I realised that busyness will never go away. Some days all routine will be flung out of the window. Some days time will disappear into a big black pit. We can’t change that. It is how we react to these weeks that determine whether we see them as “good”, or “bad”. So my focus as of today, Monday, is to not see my workload and everything else as interference to my life, but as lessons I need to learn, that is part of my life.
There is no good or bad, there are only events brought about into my life due to my thinking, my beliefs, my perceptions. It is what I take from these events that helps me grow, and change events that I find undesirable into different events. I also may not change them to become desirable on the first try, I may need to try a couple of different paths before they become desirable. But by walking into them with my eyes open, I now have the opportunity to change them.