What I have gained from awareness

In my view, the first step for any spiritual, emotional or self-growth journey is self-awareness. As things would have it, it is also my first step. What I find fascinating though, is this awareness has not only made me more aware of my emotional state and reactions, but other unexpected things as well.

I have frequent headaches, at least 12 days a month. Or I can now happily say HAD. By becoming more aware, I started picking up the pattern that triggers them, a pattern I thought never existed. It is triggered by stressful situations, not the normal hectic work stress. The kind of stress that makes me feel as though the world is a hard and cold place, and that things are always going wrong. Since I’ve realised this, my headaches are less and not as harsh, yay!

I also have bad posture, something my physio has been trying to fix for just over a year now. I know that I should constantly be aware of my posture, but after lots of practice I felt that it is just so much effort. With self-awareness I have found that it is actually quite easy to be aware of my posture and I do still have to adjust small things all the time, but it’s doable.

Something my husband will be very happy about, is that I’m also more aware of my surroundings. In his eyes I don’t always think and I’m not careful, and often bump glasses over or on the odd occasion bash a hole in our wall. We have had this fight a couple of times, and in my eyes I don’t consciously think of every little action I take and preempt what might go wrong, because there are more important things to think of. However, out of the blue I’ll do something and it will pop into my head that it could cause a non-ideal outcome, and then I can choose to change it. The bigger benefit I have gained here is on the motorbike. I have found that to constantly be aware of the motorists around me and what they may do, it feels like I have to have 800 eyes. Having shifted my awareness inside, it is as if I am more intuitive, you preempt a lot more on gut feel and my two eyes actually sense a lot more now.

Something not so good it has brought on, is that I find it a bit harder to focus while I interact with people. I’m trying to truly listen to them, but at the same time experience my emotions I feel about things they say or do and how I experience it. Generally I can only focus on either listening, or feeling, one at a time.

I also feel as if I am all over the show. At work I have my normal workload and I feel as if I’m jumping around between tasks and not getting anything done. I took out 5 minutes today to get in touch with myself about this, and I felt unfulfilled, as if I’m not accomplishing anything. Now that I think of it, after those 5 minutes I actually got quite a lot done, I should explore that. What I have started doing to try and alleviate this is plan my time better. I haven’t yet mastered it, but I think with practice I’ll start finding my capacity and how to improve my productivity. With my scattered brain’ness’ I do still feel as if I’m getting more done at work though. One thing I definitely feel I am getting done is building a connection with the people in my team, and getting an insight of who they are. The people stuff is awesome, but I need to balance the admin stuff and co-ordination stuff as well, and this is what I’m not getting to as well as I believe I should.

In conclusion though, I’m going through the motions with my eyes wide open, and getting a sense of what makes me happy and at peace, and what pushes my buttons. I feel more purposeful, although I still don’t know what my passion is and what I should do with the rest of my life, but the journey is very rewarding. Much better than waking up every day and going through the motions but not knowing why!

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