At the end of each month I will post a reflection of my journey for the month.
For those who don’t want to read my big story, a short summary of insights for me this month:
1. I love the pain I put myself through in competitive cycling because that is when it is the easiest for me to turn my focus inside to my physical sensations.
2. Physical pain or distress in my body is always linked to events around me. It is never just because there is a bug doing the rounds.
3. Fights or hard talks don’t end all relationships. It makes those relationships that are worthwhile stronger.
4. Society has moved us further and further away from our true selves by countless distractions – malls, TV, sales, restaurants, social media, bling, name it!
I meant to post this blog ON the 31st, the last day of January, but I’ve been questioning my intention for blogging. When I committed to blogging my journey, it was because writing helps me think, and I am curious to see what feedback I would get. I am surprised at the number of people that read my blog, but that got me swept up in the numbers game. For three days in a row I had more than 15 reads. So if the number of reads was below 10 I would write another blog and get excited to see the number go up. WordPress had a thing on where you must write a creative blog and you could stand a chance of your blog being featured. I took on the challenge, and it was the blog with the least reads to date. With the always online era we find ourselves in, it seems that everything is about numbers, how many friends, how many likes, how many referrals. How am I being true to myself if I’m writing to watch the stats? Don’t get me wrong, I love each follower and every new follower I look up to see what I can learn from them. But number of followers should be a by-product of the true intention. I also found that a new thought or experience will pop in my head, and the first thing I start thinking of is what I can blog about it. Instead I should be moving my focus internally and understand how it makes me feel, physically, mentally and emotionally and what thoughts arise with it. So I will now blog once a week, and anything extra will be because I have something burning to share.
Start of Jan I wrote about the in control runaway train, because that is how it felt at the time. I felt as though I was changing at the speed of light but knew exactly where I was growing to. I have learned in the meanwhile that actually, it is more like a stop and go. Some weeks things happen very fast in a clear direction, other weeks it feels like I’m stomping through mud going backwards not knowing what’s behind me. I know from what I’ve learned through cycling that the hard weeks are when you should push through, because those are the weeks you grow the most. In hard weeks I find myself battling to remain focused on how I’m feeling in my body, and within minutes my mind is off somewhere else again, and emotions are few and far. These weeks I feel like pushing all this getting in touch with myself stuff aside and going on with life. Easy weeks I can focus on physical sensations and I get glimmers of emotion. I have found that when I share events with someone and tell them about it, the emotions seem to flow a bit easier. Thinking about it now, that’s what I hoped blogging will bring me, maybe I should talk more instead.
One of the exercises I did was to visualise myself in the various roles I play, business woman, companion, athlete, friend, and felt physically what sensations I experience in my body. I enjoy my job, but when I did this for the business woman role, I could feel my heart beating loudly and uncomfortably in my chest and my diaphragm get tight. One thought came up – maybe I’m blocking finding my passion because I may fear that I don’t really enjoy what I do, and then I wouldn’t be happy.
Beginning of the year I said I am not a thinker. Without trying, this journey has changed me to think about things a lot more. I have also become aware of small things, but this is not because I think more, rather because I take ownership of my emotions. Leon has also helped in this realisation with his studies, thank you! Small things are for example events that happen that irritates me immensely, I realise now that this irritation is because it points to some hot spot within me. I can’t say that I have found the hot spot, but I do already react differently when I feel this. I also think faster on my feet, where usually I had more hindsights and realised too late what I should have done or said or not done.
Leon and I also had a fight, and for the first time I wasn’t afraid of blowing off steam and worrying that it may end our relationship. It was the first time I actually just let my anger go, not holding back. Usually I would feel bruised for days after a fight we had. But this time within 20 minutes after thinking things through I could apologise for my wrongs, and within the hour all the painful emotions were gone! HUGE achievement for me. I have also noticed that I am more direct, and don’t fluff around things to say it diplomatically correct. I do think things through better to make sure I understand what I feel, and then I am honest and transparent.
And then lastly – Leon and I are starting studies in lie and deceit detection. I have been interested in it since the first episode of Lie to Me. One thing we have to start practicing is looking at people’s faces. Usually I look at their shoes, clothes, hair, make-up. Since starting to do this, I have found that I truly see people for who they are. As an example, instead of seeing a woman with four sons as someone who probably has a hard time keeping them in line, I saw a woman with an open inviting face, conversing and laughing and all of her sons loving interacting with her. Instead of seeing the mom and daughter Sandton poppies strutting impatiently into a restaurant, I see a beautiful girl struggling to find her identity but trying very hard to remain confident.
And then really lastly – I get cabin fever very easily, and staying in the house for more than 10 hours at a time is physical torture for me. Suddenly I can’t wait to get out of the mall and back to my haven with its garden, my cats, my home cooked food, my love. A haven where it is easier to experience me and grow and learn more about me.
I think I have found the word I want as a tattoo: “Be Curious”. But I’ll hold up a little longer before committing to that!