Emotional hide and seek

For many reasons and due to many events in my life, I have built up a wall in front of the door to the room that host my emotions. Not only have I built up a wall, I reinforced it with 5 layers of steel plating, put a barb wire fence in front of it and made sure there are 5 bull dogs guarding the door. Many people are out of tune with their emotions, and don’t express them easily. I’m not saying I have a disability greater than anyone else, there are probably just as many people who have this ‘additional disability’. I have managed to lock myself out of my own emotions too.

What I do on a daily basis, some days successfully, some days without much luck, is to be aware of my energy centres (chakras) and what I feel physically around them – discomfort, pain, restlessness, anything that comes up. I also become aware of my thoughts at the same time. The idea is that at some point I’ll be able to feel my emotions and link them to my thoughts and physical sensations in my body. The only time I have truly been able to feel emotions is when I did exceptionally well in a race and it was unexpected. Other than that, glimmers, but not much.

As an example – we are in the initial steps of a process to bring a young teenager into our home and become her guardians. I can name all the thoughts and concerns I have in my mind. But when Leon asked me last night how I feel, that was exactly the point. I can’t feel anything. While I wasn’t aware that I lock myself out, I wasn’t really bothered. Now it frustrates the living daylights out of me. I really want to feel. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach when my husband tickles me in my neck, I want to feel my heart ache when I see an animal in distress, I want to feel absolutely overjoyed when I achieve a sporting goal, I want to feel pride in my heart when Leon has breakthroughs and new concepts that he shares with me in his studies.

We have a lawyer friend who agreed to do pro-bono work for us to help get everything in order for us to become guardians for this girl. For a split second my breathe was taken away and I almost felt a tear coming, but then it disappeared. Split seconds aren’t good enough anymore. I want to be able to feel these emotions for as long as I feel the need to. And when I close my eyes and recall the moment, I want to be able to feel them again.

Let there be feelings!

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