The in-control runnaway train

The last two weeks has been strangely exciting for me. I can feel things in me change and shift. They say change is scary. Maybe my make-up is different, but I have always loved changed. This change is on the top of my list in terms of memorable times in my life.

I feel as though things within me are happening as fast as a train with no brakes, and out of control – there’s a movie of that. But at the same time, I feel 100% in control. It makes no sense when you say it, but there is crystal clear clarity for the first time in my life, or since I can recall. I do sometimes question whether maybe it is just me going a little bit cOo-coO. I looked up at work this week while having this runaway train feeling, and around me not much has changed. People still sit in front of their PCs working – some happy, some not. My team still get things a bit wrong and get frustrated (they also get a whole lot right, I have to commend them on that), things in our house is still frustrating me, pay day is still too far away. Life still goes on. But inside me it feels as though a whole new world has awakened. My conversations with Leon gives me surety that I am still sane and on the right track. I am extremely happy for the most part of many days now.

So what has really changed? I can start looking at either sensations in my body to find out how I perceive events, or feel emotions. I now have more emotions on my list than fingers on my hand – happiness, excitement, dread, pride, irritation, peace, love, anger. The one I like the most – love, my heart beats faster but gentle in my chest and feels warm. Dread is my least favourite, it goes and sits in the pit of my stomach and tells me all the reasons why I can’t achieve what I set out to achieve. What I am still battling with, is holding the emotion long enough to truly experience it (except dread strangely enough). I am an avid follower of the series Lie to Me. It is based on true studies of the human face and emotion and how you can identify deviance from what a person says to what they show in their face. There is a split second that your face reveals exactly what you are feeling before you can cover it up. My emotions are like that – it is there for a split second, I feel it and can name it, but then it disappears. I can’t stay in it to truly understand it’s full effect on my body.

When I started this journey it was also the case, but I couldn’t even grasp at it to tell you that I’m feeling it. For example, I get sad and a tear will start welling up in my eyes, and then I’ll tell myself to let the tears flow as it will be good for me. Instantly the emotion is gone. The difference now is that I can grasp at it just long enough to know it is there and sometimes even name it.

I know, and hope that this understanding and ability will come with some more practice. For now though, I’m still happy to be finding the emotions and trying to learn how to not be swallowed so deeply in it that I can’t explore and understand it. I’m learning to stand on the bridge with my emotions running underneath it where I can feel them, and feel what comes next as opposed to being so deeply immersed in it that I don’t see any further.

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