What a busy week it has been!
I am fully aware that to truly experience life, you have to live in the present. To me that has always meant being aware of your surroundings, things your senses pick up – feel, smell, see, hear. My new exercise is being present within me. Let me explain: Emotions, just like everything else in life, is energy, and is constantly moving into and out of our bodies. When it leaves our bodies, it either leaves in love, or in fear. Both of these physically affect your body, love feels pleasant and comfortable, fear causes discomfort – headaches, stomach ailments, muscle tightness, anything we call ‘illness’. To be in the moment, you must be aware of your emotions and/or physical sensations, since they are linked. I haven’t yet unlocked my emotion’s door, so for now I’m focusing on physical sensations. Different sensations in different areas of your body usually links to emotions – knowing this has already got me thinking about what I’m feeling where. Headaches could be that you’re blocking energy from coming in or something prevents you from connecting to the universe, or that you see the universe as cold and as a place where there is not enough for everyone. I suffer from headaches, a LOT, and this new found knowledge got me analysing when and where I get headaches. I always believed there is no pattern, but I am actually now seeing a pattern, and for the first time I have a glimmer of hope that I’ll be able to get rid of them. Just writing this blog post has already completely lifted the headache I’ve had since yesterday morning, whoo hoo!
I have always believed that if I have a headache, I must focus on thinking it away, and eventually it will go. I do the same when I start getting sick, I won’t tell my husband or anyone, because I believed that by admitting it, you will get even sicker. I have been focusing a lot on my headaches, other physical sensations I have is tightness in my throat, shoulder and neck pain, sometimes my stomach gets tight. An interesting thing has been happening, even though I’m giving all of these physical discomforts attention and acknowledging that they are there, the headaches seem to be more tolerable and I don’t always need painkillers to clear them.
If you read how most pro-cyclists describe how they overcome the physical pain while they’re competing, they all say you need to become one with your pain. I know this, but until this week have never been able to get it right. While climbing with Leon and him riding harder and harder, I changed my thoughts back to my inner me, felt my breathing, how the air is burning my lungs, how they fill with air, my heart beating heavier, and suddenly I realised that even though I’m hurting and my legs are begging me to stop, my mind is happy to allow me to keep pushing. It was awesome! I was buggered for the rest of the ride, but still awesome! Usually at the pain point my mind starts racing about how I’m not as strong or haven’t been training enough or too heavy. This goes away when I focus within me and stay in the moment. Saturday wasn’t as easy, I was only able to change my focus 2 and a half hours into our ride, but once I’m there I’m good. The main thing I realised Saturday is that I constantly had to remind myself to stay in the moment, and when I catch myself my mind is wandering. It would have been much easier to stop trying and just suffer through the ride, but I’m happy I pushed through.
And then to close off, today was a huge breakthrough for me. I did 8 x 30 seconds intervals on the indoor trainer. Firstly, I hate the indoor, it is boring. Secondly I hate max effort intervals, you have to push as hard as you can, and because you can see your watt output there’s no hiding. Often I would not complete all intervals or just skip it. But I did them today, and when I was done, I felt something, an emotion – and not a small one either. Pride. I also felt accomplishment. This is huge for me, not only because I could feel and recognise an emotion. I have been haunted with feeling unworthy for a very long time in my life. And today I felt that I can pat myself on the back, and deserved it. I am amazing 🙂